Things I miss from the 80s, probably
(and probably some I don't)
Man, those 1980s. They feel like ages ago don’t they? 40 odd years now probably, I’m not a mathematician. But I think what tends to happen is that whenever we glance back through the mists of time we pop on what I like to call ‘rose-tinted spectacles’ which are basically the same as big pink glasses. And what these do is they add a sheen to things that make them seem better than they were. They tap into the memory’s ultimate flaw, which is its inability not to romanticise. The way stories get embellished with time and the way happenstance turns into fable/scripture.
So were the 1980s any good? I don’t know. I started them as a 3-year-old and ended them as a teenager. There were bits that felt drab, there were car journeys spent racing raindrops down the window. There was danger everywhere, families had electric fires with grabbable molten bars on them (my wife is minus two fingerprints as a result). And remember how old women used to wear their hair? It was insane. Pink rinses, blue rinses. You’d see thin-lipped crones still fixated on the war with hair like candyfloss. And in a way that’s a great summation of the 1980s, because for all the neon colour that came to encapsulate the decade, you’d still see the occasional glue sniffer slumped on a bus, or ten minutes of BBC1 might take you from a dour angry man in a donkey jacket to three-minutes of wildly androgynous synthesizer music.
I suppose the point being that it was a world in transition and one that ultimately landed us in the momentary upswing of the 1990s. Almost like there was a relentless push for optimism, a Mad Lizzie workout that demanded we all at least pretend to be happy - and it sort of paid off a bit, didn’t it? Or did it? I can’t really remember. Did we fake it and then make it?
And perhaps more pertinently, do we need to do that now? Should we start covering everything in glitter and dressing in noisy mohair just to make everything seem less shit and blowy-uppy?
Anyway in the spirit of reminiscence I thought I’d compile a list of things that I associate with the 1980s. Lots of which we should seriously think about reintroducing to modern life... add your own in the comments if you like. Or don’t. You’re your own person.
Stuff from the 1980s by Josh Burt
The Burger and Chips at Little Chef that was literally a burger and chips. No bun, no salad. None of that nonsense.
Melons. They were everywhere. Big decade for melons.
Grapefruits were also ubiquitous. Cut the fucker in half, pop a little cherry in the middle.
Orange juice as a legitimate starter before a meal. If you wanted, you could also have it as a drink and a side salad.
Goths, Casuals, Skinheads, Punks, New Romantics, Milkmen - everyone seemed to have a cool label attached back then.
Strong nurturing names like Lee, Gary, Rob, Chris, or sultry ones like Donna or Lisa. Or confusing, exotic ones like Joshua or Siobhan. You’d even get the occasional posh Kevin.
Watching Neighbours twice because you were ill off school. So taking in the lunchtime premiere and the teatime repeat.
The goose-like honking of a sodastream.
The sipping of the resulting cola drink that’s not a patch on the popular cola drink of the time, Pepsi Cola, or the other one, Coca-Cola. Or even the other one, Panda Cola.
The crunch of a Findus Crispy Pancake, then the sudden panic as its molten innards burn your tongue and slowly proceed towards your esophagus.
People rubbing cocaine into their teeth.
Attaching those weird strap-on rollerskates to your Dunlop Green Flash and then immediately falling over.
The DIY thrill of Salt ‘n’ Shake, the Korean Barbecue of crisps.
Blowing on electronic equipment to make it work because your breath is magic.
Injuring your genitals on a pogo stick.
Pulling on your bike brakes too suddenly, and once again, injuring your genitals.
Injuring your genitals on a climbing frame.
Collecting a whole third of the Mexico 86 Panini Sticker Album.
Smoking yourself a candied cigarette, sipping a Shandy Bass. Rubbing cocaine into your teeth.
The riotous headrush of firing a machine gun one-handed.
Sponge and custard.
Reading the news on Ceefax - it’ll never catch on!
Someone saying something about “doing the pools” or having “bonds”.
Grown-ups in legwarmers, grown-ups in shell suits, some lad turning up to school wearing a single Michael Jackson glove like it’s no big deal.
Gigantic boom boxes for your Dire Straits tapes.
Some guy on the news introducing CDs as a new indestructible piece of plastic.
The sound of all your tapes getting chewed up.
Your mum’s friend turning up at your house and lighting up a fag indoors.
Someone wearing a red beret.
Everyone having red eyes in photographs.
99 Red Balloons.
Drinking Tizer that was also red.
Kids with paper rounds.
Avocado Pears, before everyone decided to drop the pear bit for some reason.
People from the actual 1800s being alive. Walking around with gobstoppers in their pockets, saying things like ‘wireless’ and ‘motor car’.
Saturday Super Store starring Sarah Greene.
Dynasty starring Joan Collins.
The Kenny Everett Television Show starring Cleo Rocos.
Black and White tellies.
Inevitable (and some might argue unnecessary) tits in comedy films.
Family members attempting to moonwalk.
Camping chairs that made a squeaky sound when you folded them out then tried to break your fingers when you snapped them back.
Saxophones in songs.
Digital watches with tiny calculators on them so you could do some quick maths in the middle of the pavement.
The Olympic Games always seemed like a big deal, didn’t they?
Madonna.
Maradona.
Malcolm Marshall.
Magnum PI.
Miami Vice.
McDonalds.
Moonlighting.
Mad Max.
MTV.
Mullets.
Milk Tray.
Mr T.
Mikhail, Margaret, Mike Tyson.
Massive decade for the letter M.