A list of things to do before the world ends
(you'd better get cracking)
Okay you might have to cover your eyes/ears while you read this, but I’m concerned that the planet might be imploding a little bit. You noticed that lately? All the bad people doing the bad things. The way World War III has probably started but we’re not really talking about it, at least not in social situations (like, say, school drop-offs or pick-ups). Or how lots of our jobs are fairly quickly becoming obsolete and we’re pretty much drinking the worry away (just me?) or waiting to go on holiday because nothing matters so much when you’ve got warm sand between your toes/buttocks.
It’s a strange thing, and if you’ll allow me to remove my red nose for a second, one that feels more and more like we’re operating in an outmoded system that’s been rigged to fail. Like how the house always wins in casinos, or how nepotism will always trump talent. So now the outgoing numbers are wracking up while the incoming ones dwindle. Is now the time to close your eyes and put everything on red? Or enter one of those Win a House competitions? You suspect that things are probably a little askew when gambling starts to feel like a viable answer to your problems.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. The good news is that whenever people are confronted with the apocalypse (which happens quite a lot, historically), you still get occasional glimpses of sunshine amidst the shitstorms. It can inspire great art, or new kinds of music or literature. Interestingly (depending on if you’re interested), not so long ago I very nearly had a post-apocalyptic sitcom commissioned in which all of the electricity in the world goes down and society has to rebuild itself from the rubble, and it’s all starting to feel a little bit prescient really isn’t it? Like it could actually happen? I’m not saying I’m a soothsayer or anything like that, I’m not that big-headed. Okay fine, I am saying that. I am a soothsayer. I was way ahead of the curve. Whatever, don’t worry about it, probably too late now anyway. Point is, perhaps that’s what this incarnation of society needs, to plummet towards near-oblivion before rising like a phoenix from the ashes with a fresh outlook and a less (f)rigid sense of fashion? A chance to get it right this time.
Anyhoo, enough blustering and blathering - in the spirit of embracing the ongoing chaos and carpeing the old diem, I thought for this week’s post I’d compile a quick bucket-list of things you can do before this whole thing blows up (figuratively, hopefully). Tick them off as you go...
10 things to definitely do before the inevitable apocalypse
Do something that scares you every day, like talking to a builder using your normal voice or having caffeinated coffee after 4pm.
In a pub situation, go for a wee unannounced as if it’s a completely normal thing to do. Just stand up and walk off without saying where you’re going, leaving the rest of the table bewildered and perplexed. What’s he/she doing? Yes, it’s psychotic behaviour, but also enigmatic at a time when we need to expect the unexpected. It’s also very sexy, to be fair.
Talking of which, you should try saying “to be fair” more often. Because think about it, to not say it would suggest that whatever you’re normally thinking/saying is secretly unfair. People need clarity in tumultuous times, so you need to be clearer about the state of your fair-mindedness. Can your views be trusted? It’s the only way we can progress as a society.
Add more stage directions to your livelier discussions too. An example of this might be to say “are you just going to stand there and say that?” or “and then you turned around and accused me of whatever...” - it adds a little bit of much needed motion to your bickering and reminds us of our intrinsic bipedal humanity. I think we’d all benefit from that.
Use the old Roman greeting where they grab your entire forearm in a handshake as your chosen method of meeting new people. It just feels more appropriate in times that require fellowship. Or go full hug, obviously.
Pay for a whole meal when you’re out with friends. Then spend the months afterwards as the world hurtles towards the abyss reminiscing about that incredible meal you all enjoyed that time, then fix them with a look that suggests they should probably have paid for their share. They really shouldn’t accept charity, especially with how the world is and everything. They owe you. It’s good to head into a societal wasteland with credit in the bank.
Use the backing track at a karaoke night as an impromptu accompaniment for some new poetry you’ve been working on. This kind of behaviour will foreshadow music in the future, when it’s back to percussion and spoken word.
Do a whole crossword in one sitting, because nothing says “I’m the best in the world at having sex and creating an intelligent new society” like acing a page of Puzzler magazine.
Eat a French sausage using a flick-knife* (*if the apocalypse actually happens, everyone will be doing this, so get practicing).
Really let your personality shine through. Dance like nobody’s watching, love like you’ve never been hurt, laugh hysterically on a night out with your mates. That’s it, really let those guffaws out. Now start weeping, and then coughing. Oh god, are you okay? Tell them you’re fine even though you’re making a disturbing honking sound. What is that? Your friends look concerned. Do they call for help? Wait no, it’s fine, you’ve stopped. Oh fuck, hang on, you’re coughing again and this time it’s even worse. Okay, abort!